FIVE REALLY BAD SEX IDEAS

By Will Pheeler

We’ve all been there: you’re hanging out with your lover of several months/years trying to think up ways to ’spice up’ the relationship.  Perhaps you’ve already gone through “the basics” (various positions, anal sex, oral play, doing it in different settings/rooms…) and just want to try something new you haven’t done together before.  “What should we try, honey?”

DON’T!!!

Stop RIGHT THERE mister (or missus)!  Trust your old friend Will: anything you two come up with that you think will ’spice things up’ will, in the end, cause embarrassment at best and a break-up at worst.

I know, variety is the spice of life yada yada.  That’s true - IN THEORY.  But IN PRACTICE it’s rarely as hot or stimulating as you fantasize.  Ask any fetishist, anyone into fantasy and mind games, or someone who’s actually lived their sexual dreams: the idea of something is 1000% hotter than the actual doing of it.

“I’d love to go to a hooker, pay for sex and not have to deal with any of the drama.”  Sound familiar guys?  What’s the ACTUAL experience like?  Cold, distant, mechanical, there’s a time limit and a “you get two positions” limit, a no-kissing limit, on and on.

(Yes, I AM aware that some men’s experiences with whores are good ones, and that some sex workers offer a GFE - Girlfriend Experience - and that much of the above depends on the amount you spend, etc.  So no letters, please.)

“I’d like to fuck some stranger in a club’s bathroom.”  Sounds hot - but try knocking on that stall door and see how fast you get the shit kicked out of you by the bouncers (and the girl).

When it comes to relationships, where trust and connection and intimacy are at play, thinking up exciting new ways to heighten your love life is fraught with danger.  After all, you have to have breakfast with your partner after you’ve just shot a giant load on her face like you see in the porn flicks and that could cause some post-fun tension.

SO: as always, do what you want, but the following is a short list of 5 sex ideas that may SOUND good but I would caution all out there to AVOID DOING:

5 TERRIBLE SEX IDEAS:

1.  Film yourself doing it.  The #1 Fantasy - “let’s tape ourselves fucking!”  Um, don’t.  Bad lighting, weird angles, shaky cam, that ‘O’ face you never want the world to see, ALL your imperfections, ALL your insecurities, ALL your strange little ‘habits’ captured forever on tape, probably for the world to see.  Say what?  Isn’t this just for the TWO of you?  Just for the kink of it?  Um sure, until the break-up occurs months or years down the line and suddenly your ‘O’ face is all over the Interweb.

2.  Using food.  You’re in bed, waiting for your partner.  He/she comes in carrying a tray of food - fruit, chocolate, whipped cream.  The two of you slather each other with it all, licking and eating it off your bodies, having a wonderful time - until the clean-up.  OMG how do you get chocolate stains out of your $200 satin sheets?!  OMG my nightie is stained with strawberry juice!!  The dry cleaning bills alone should dissuade you.

3.  Inviting a ‘friend’ in for a threesome.  You know HE wants it, you suspect SHE’S always wanted to experiment, so why not ask one of your ‘friends’ to join you two in bed?  AWESOME!  Which one?  Ummm…Jenny?  Ted?  WAIT!  Two COCKS in our bed?  WTF?  WAIT!  Two PUSSIES in our bed?  WTF?  But okay, you two ‘work it out’: Jenny, she’s the one.  Jenny says no - or worse, says ‘yes’ and then…what are you left with?  Yes, an interesting (and hopefully hot) sexual fantasy fulfilled, but now you’ve either lost your friend (way too awkward now) OR made a REALLY good ‘friend’ who keeps coming over, and over…bad idea.

4. Let’s buy a whore!  To avoid #3 above, many couples opt for a “professional”.  Sure - someone you pay, who won’t kiss you, maybe won’t go down on the girl, will maybe insist on sucking off the guy while he wears a condom, on and on it goes.  But okay, perhaps you find that PERFECT sex worker who will rock BOTH your worlds.  Great!  Until the next day, or the next fight, when you’re searching for something to use to retaliate for when she says your dick is teeny-weeny whilst arguing: “Yeah?  Well you sucked some whore’s clit.”  Nice.  Don’t.

5.  Let’s ‘do it’ in public.  Oh the danger!  The risk!  The excitement of ‘getting caught’!  Wow, what a turn-on!  The passion flies, your sticky fumblings are furious - ‘Hurry! Hurry!  Before the elevator doors open!’ - and it’s all amazing…until the cops come and you find yourself in handcuffs, downtown, in some holding cell having to awkwardly answer the question: “What’cha in for?”